Being in Control

I think it is really easy to lose one's control of self, if one only allowed it. There are too many circumstances in this life that could make one fuming mad, hysterically desperate or hopelessly loony. It could be your colleague, your best girl friend, your spouse, your family, or even your beloved cat. A word uttered, a look thrown or a gesture revealed. Any one of these things could be a trigger point to a mini explosion. I only know it too well. I am a recovering rage-a-holic. So I am particularly alert to the little hot pulsing signals in my chest that are usually a prelude to something bigger.

I was a temperamental young person, or so I was told. I rarely lost control in front of or at my friends, but I did show my temper (and moodiness) to those closest around me, like my family. I think it was a condition that worsened with an increase in my abilities of articulation and boldness. In my twenties, I was at my worst. I was Miss-Put-to-Right-Wrongs. I insulted salesgirls for inefficiency, berated co-workers for tardiness, regimented younger siblings into productive activities for their benefit when I caught them lazing around. But I never saw my behavior as a problem I had to deal with until one day.

Our family was on a road trip. I was seated in the back seat with my two younger siblings. An argument erupted between myself and another sibling. The youngest was caught in the word fight (literally he separated us warring two by being seated in between us) . It got so heated that my father had to stop the car. But somewhere in the midst of all ruckus, I caught a glimpse of my youngest sibling's face. It was one of pure devastation and fear. I had never seen my youngest sibling look at me in that manner. It made me stop, but it did not make me stop wanting to be right.

It took me a while further to acknowledge that I had a rage problem. But eventually the image of my younger sibling's face made a delayed reaction - it hit home what I was doing to the people around me, to myself, and to how contrary a response I obtained to what I wanted instead.

Today, I almost had a relapse. I was angry, I was upset. It would have been easy to lash out at the wrong, trying hard to put it right and whole, right then and there. But I think maybe I have learned to bide my time. So I sat down and thought it through, and planned my reaction (to be executed at a more appropriate time, I imagined) in a cool and dispassionate manner.

Then hours later, I decided that I no longer desired to react at all. And I realized that I've been this way for ages now - decidedly cool, seemingly level-headed and strangely impenetrable.

Now, I am not sure if I have lost some part of myself, in my quest to tame the fire within.