Commitment and Divorce

I wrote this piece two years ago, and dug it out recently because I was in a reflective mood after reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I have only just finished reading the book, so I will save my review for another time. Meanwhile, here is the piece I had written....

The rise of divorce and failed relationships in almost all developed societies today should give us pause. Are today’s couples just bad at sustaining relationships? What is different today than it was yesterday? Have you looked at your grandparents or parents marriage, and wondered why theirs have worked and yours is in dire straits?

Through the years, I have observed a trend, and I have come to a conclusion. The more traditional-minded one is, the more likely it is the marriage or relationship will last despite encountering problems. The more liberal-minded one is, the more likely it is that when the relationship encounters problems, it ends in termination of the relationship.

Of course, I am using the terms traditional and liberal in a generalized non-political fashion, and only to highlight the difference in attitudes towards relationships. On average, the trend above holds true for most people I have observed, whether they are from the West or the East.

The difference between traditional-minded and liberal-minded individuals in regards to relationships lies in their attitude towards commitment. When traditional-minded individuals enter a relationship, they do so with the intention and the vow to stay together no matter how bad their lives are going. They make a promise to remain committed to each other and help each other overcome difficulties. The fear that one or the other will bail out of the relationship does not exist, and that frees up one’s emotional resources to focus on the real issues. Tumultuous external events, like money issues, managing children or career, will not shatter their relationship. The center of their relationship is the commitment to each other.

Contrast this with the liberal-minded individuals. The center of their relationship is on clearly defined goals (earthly desires) like making money, running a business, raising successful children, or simply the pursuit of mutual happiness. When the goal is not met, or they encounter problems, the relationship suffers because their commitment was to the goal, and not to each other. And when the goal is met, they have nowhere left to go. Either they formulate a new goal, or they fall out. Even when the goal is pursuit of happiness, and when there is a period of unhappiness in their relationship, it becomes easy to end the relationship because the foundation was based on happiness and not unhappiness.

Liberal-minded people do not consciously choose to commit themselves to a goal rather than to the relationship itself. But it happens anyway because our society is geared towards achievement, and that attitude gets translated into our love lives. The liberal minded person is of the attitude that if the relationship is not helping one achieve something, then there must be something wrong with it or something wrong with the partner, and hence it must be time to move on to a better relationship, or a better partner.

This is one crucial reason why relationships of the liberal-minded often result in bitter conflict or divorce. The basic level of trust between them has been diminished by the attitude that if one is not living up to the other’s expectation (or goal), then that person is disposable. The lack of trust creates an environment that is not conducive to a healthy relationship. One or both in the relationship will be always on guard of being abandoned. The fear results in defensive behavior; at a harsh tone of voice, an angry face, or a condescending look, one shuts down emotionally, hide away or return fire in bitterness and resentment. Why is it that the people who are the closest to you say and do the things that hurt the most? What is the cost of the damage when you return fire? Are you training or conditioning your loved ones to hide from you? Compound all of such defensive behavior with lack of communication or periods of long absence from each other, it is little surprise that relationships centered on goals often fail.

So which type would you rather be?

I think it is time for people to make a conscious effort to commit to each other rather than to goals. Let us ask ourselves when our relationships began, was it a goal that us together, or was a something as simple as the joy of being together? If couples can work to commit themselves to each other, recall the simple joys, and build on trust, the goals would become only easier to achieve, and we’d be happier for it.