Love and Will

"When inward life dries up, when feeling decreases and apathy increases, when one cannot affect or even genuinely touch another person, violence flares up as a daimonic necessity for contact, a mad drive forcing touch in the most direct way possible".

Rollo May, Love and Will

Nightmare

I woke up to a nightmare this morning. I have had this same nightmare in various forms over the past few years. Three aspects are more or less the same - I am either travelling in airplanes or I am the pilot, the pilot loses control, and the ariplane crashes into the sea.

This morning, I woke to the sound of my cell phone receiving a text message. I heard the usual beep beep, and I turned to my cell phone on the side table next to me. I noted the time, but I was too sleepy to read the message. I went back to sleep, and that was when I had the nightmare.

I dreamt that me and my oldest girl friends from school were travelling together in an airplane. There must have been about six of us in all. We were all excited because we were going to some destination for a holiday. The plane was preparing for its descent. My best friend was seated next to me, and we were chatting about this and that. At some point, we noticed that the airplane was headed in the wrong direction. It was no longer lowering the altitude, and seemed to move away from the airport where we were supposed to land. I can remember passing bridges, roads, and all. The pilot comes on and says something about having difficulty with the landing gear. The pilot's voice indicated that she was a female. Somehow I had a realization that she was an Indian, eventhough she did not have an Indian accent.

I remember turning to my best friend and making a comment about female pilots and how un-reassuring they were. We joked - making comparisons between female drivers and female pilots. But we decided that our female pilot was competent, so we had nothing to worry about. In my heart, I felt differently. For some time, the airplane went here and there, and did not seem to have a destination in mind. I was getting worried at each passing minute, but my friends were not.

Then, all of a sudden, I realized that we were over the sea. The pilot came on again, and told us all calmly that she was going to do a landing in the sea, which of course, made no sense to me, even in my dream. A crash landing into the sea meant death by drowning. The flight attendants showed us in a rushed manner where to find a life vest, and disappeared. The plane thundered to the sea at an alarming speed. The pilot began speaking again. She said to pray to God, and she said the Al-Fatiha. I realized with an irony that the pilot was a Muslim. I prayed along with her and asked God for mercy because I knew that I would be dying soon. One friend got up from her seat, and threw open the emergency exit, and jumped out into the sea.

Then the plane crashed into the sea, and we were instanly surrounded by water. I recall removing my seat belt, and thinking about the open exit door, wondering if I could head towards it and escape the sinking plane.

That's when I woke up. My rational mind must have taken over because I recall telling myself that there was no point to continue planning an escape when I would have drowned by then.

I checked my cell phone for the time. My dream had lasted around 45 minutes.

Curious to find out what this all meant, I did a quick search on the Internet. This is what one site suggested:

"To dream that a plane crashes, suggests that you have set overly high and unrealistic goals for yourself. Your goals may be too high and are impossible to realize. You are in danger of having it come crashing down. Alternatively, your lack of confidence, self-defeating attitude and self-doubt toward the goals you have set for yourself is represented by the crashing airplane; you do not believe in your ability to attain those goals. Loss of power and uncertainty in achieving your goals are also signified. " From Dream Moods.

I just find it uncanny that the pilot had to be a female, Indian and a Muslim. I don't think I have had that variation of the airplane crash dream before.

Being in Control

I think it is really easy to lose one's control of self, if one only allowed it. There are too many circumstances in this life that could make one fuming mad, hysterically desperate or hopelessly loony. It could be your colleague, your best girl friend, your spouse, your family, or even your beloved cat. A word uttered, a look thrown or a gesture revealed. Any one of these things could be a trigger point to a mini explosion. I only know it too well. I am a recovering rage-a-holic. So I am particularly alert to the little hot pulsing signals in my chest that are usually a prelude to something bigger.

I was a temperamental young person, or so I was told. I rarely lost control in front of or at my friends, but I did show my temper (and moodiness) to those closest around me, like my family. I think it was a condition that worsened with an increase in my abilities of articulation and boldness. In my twenties, I was at my worst. I was Miss-Put-to-Right-Wrongs. I insulted salesgirls for inefficiency, berated co-workers for tardiness, regimented younger siblings into productive activities for their benefit when I caught them lazing around. But I never saw my behavior as a problem I had to deal with until one day.

Our family was on a road trip. I was seated in the back seat with my two younger siblings. An argument erupted between myself and another sibling. The youngest was caught in the word fight (literally he separated us warring two by being seated in between us) . It got so heated that my father had to stop the car. But somewhere in the midst of all ruckus, I caught a glimpse of my youngest sibling's face. It was one of pure devastation and fear. I had never seen my youngest sibling look at me in that manner. It made me stop, but it did not make me stop wanting to be right.

It took me a while further to acknowledge that I had a rage problem. But eventually the image of my younger sibling's face made a delayed reaction - it hit home what I was doing to the people around me, to myself, and to how contrary a response I obtained to what I wanted instead.

Today, I almost had a relapse. I was angry, I was upset. It would have been easy to lash out at the wrong, trying hard to put it right and whole, right then and there. But I think maybe I have learned to bide my time. So I sat down and thought it through, and planned my reaction (to be executed at a more appropriate time, I imagined) in a cool and dispassionate manner.

Then hours later, I decided that I no longer desired to react at all. And I realized that I've been this way for ages now - decidedly cool, seemingly level-headed and strangely impenetrable.

Now, I am not sure if I have lost some part of myself, in my quest to tame the fire within.

Birthday Milestones

I found the below on a Facebook website. Since the website does not attribute an author, and the link does not show for those who do not have a Facebook account, I have copied and pasted the below. I found it amusing. Enjoy :)

30…40…50…
Oh, those milestone birthdays!

How to Cope
Whichever milestone birthday you face, you’ll weather it better if you:

Explore your assumptions and change any distorted thinking about what it means to be a particular age.

Take charge of your body. Maintain a healthy weight, stay active, get enough sleep, learn to manage stress.

Live in the present. Try to focus on what you have right now rather than mourning what’s gone or fretting about the future.
When we’re children, we can’t wait to grow up. Too bad the feeling doesn’t last. By age 40 or 50, a “big” birthday is something most of us dread. Partly, that’s because of our youth-worshiping culture, says clinical social worker Pat Gordy of Lehigh Valley Hospital and Health Network. “Just look at all the products that will ‘make you look 10 years younger,’ ” she says. But there are plenty of other reasons why milestone birthdays can be stressful—from family issues to health worries to unmet life goals. Gordy and family medicine physician Pamela LeDeaux, M.D., explore the issues.

30
At this age you’re still in the prime of youth, but you face big, scary questions: Have I found the right job? Do I like where I’m living? How well am I balancing work and social life? Shouldn’t I be married by now?

40
Welcome to the “midlife crisis.” As your body starts to show its age, you realize that if you want children or a new career, you’d better get busy. “At this stage, people start thinking about self-renewal and life enrichment,” Gordy says. They also start taking their health seriously for the first time. “It’s not just about getting a physical,” LeDeaux says. “Wellness means taking care of yourself.”

50
Even if you still feel vibrant, at 50 you can’t pretend you’re young anymore. Menopause, job insecurity, college costs and the needs of elderly parents are major concerns. On the plus side is the opportunity to explore new facets of your life; many 50- something women shift focus from caregiving to career, and men from work to relationships. Physically, poor health habits begin to take a toll. “But it’s never too late to stop smoking, lose weight or make other healthy changes,” LeDeaux says.

60
Retirement looms large now. While many of LeDeaux’s patients have a healthy selfimage in their 60s, “they do have concerns about financial security, life as a retiree and how to move gracefully toward this thing called old age.”

Boycotting Valentine's Day

The story surrounding the Taj Mahal for me epitomizes love. Since young, I have been fascinated by Emperor Shah Jahan's achievement in building his deceased wife, Mumtaz Mahal, a beautiful mausoleum over her grave. It may have taken years, it may have resulted in the maiming (and even the deaths) of skilled artisans who worked on the monument, but nevertheless I cannot help but be deeply moved whenever I encounter a picture of the Taj Mahal. The mausoleum, which still stands to this day, serves as a witness from a time long past, to Shah Jahan's undying love for his wife.

Of course, this is the stuff of romantic legends that might impress a young girl, as I certainly was when I heard the story many eons ago. But now that I am older, my sceptical (and mildy suspicious mind) suggests that there might not have been such a great love between Shah Jahan and Mumtaz Mahal. After all, Shah Jahan had numerous concubines, and the modern day conception of true love necessitates monogamy in body and soul. Can one comprehend what true love is when one has experiences with multiple love partners? I do not have an answer to that; I can only speak from my vantage point, and what I could say may be only tainted with my modern day sensibilities.

Still, the mausoleum stands to evoke an emotion from me that no candy, no flowers, no teddy bears can. In its face, celebrating Valentine's Day seems to me almost sacrilegious. The generic red I-Love-You Valentine cards featuring insipid cupids and banal-looking bears, the exorbitant prices florists charge for red roses, the frantic hairdressers busy with women styling hair for a night out, the bustling fine restaurants turning away couples that were too dumb not to have made reservations. This is the one day when couples are required to demonstrate their love for one another - if not today, when then?

Ten years ago, I met my partner. During his first visit to my tiny student apartment, he pointed out to the poster I had of the Taj Mahal in the living room, and to the little pin-up of another view of the Taj Mahal on the noteboard on my bedroom door. Why are you so enamoured with the Taj Mahal? You are not even an Indian, he exclaimed.

Never did I imagine at that moment, on our very first date, that he was the one I would still be with ten years hence. I have since moved from that tiny apartment, the posters of the Taj Mahal are no longer pinned up on my walls. And I have learned what it means to have someone in my life to share and compliment the wholeness of what I feel emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, educationally, and in so many other ways.

Maybe we exchanged cards and flowers early on in our relationship. But I know we have reached the point where it is no longer necessary to do so because the life we have built together is testament enough of something enduring.

That's my Taj Mahal. And I could not have done it by myself.

Rabindranath Tagore, a poet said of Shah Jahan:
"You know Shah Jahan, life and youth, wealth and glory, they all drift away in the current of time. You strove therefore, to perpetuate only the sorrow of your heart. Let the splendor of diamond, pearl and ruby vanish. Only let this one teardrop, this Taj Mahal, glisten spotlessly bright on the cheek of time, forever and ever."

So too cards, candies, flowers and soft toys, they drift away with time. What I do want, is for us to work on our Taj Mahal, our lasting symbol that will stand the test of time.

Fat People

I don't mind all overweight people - truly! I understand that some overweight people are the way they are because of illnesses, or hereditary disorders that are just beyond their control.

And I don't mind the overweight mothers - the ones running around taking care of multiple kids, working a job, being in charge of family and the household duties. If they are overweight, it may be because of having carried and given birth to multiple children, and then being much too busy to take care of themselves (bad thing for them in the long run, but nothing I should hold against them). Besides, bearing children and looking after them is no small joke. I have seen how difficult it can be for some people.

But what I do mind are the overweight single people, especially women. I cannot explain why I feel more disdain for the women than the men, but I just do. Sadly, men can get away with a lot, and being overweight happens to be one of them. A woman would overlook the excess fat a man carries, if he has other positive attributes, such as status, personality, loyalty and money. However, an overweight woman with all the same positive attributes cannot expect a man to overlook her physical apperance (there may be exceptions to this rule, for instance, filthy rich woman like Oprah), but in general, men would not accept an overweight woman. They'd rather have a good looking woman than an overweight one. That's an ugly truth. It is no surprise then that it is more common to see an overweight woman with an overweight man than with a stud.

If a young woman is healthy, but overweight, I cannot help but wonder if she is the way she is because she is just lazy and overeats. When an overweight woman tells me that she enjoys eating bacon, or pork, my mind just goes: yeah, that's why you're so such a fatty pork; how about trying a salad?

Now I hate feeling the way I do about overweight people. It is wrong, it is discriminating, it is condescending. Today, fat people are simply big and beautiful, or full-figured. Fair enough, but it does not stop one from thinking what one thinks.

Sometimes, I an afraid that God will strike me down and make me obese for thinking the way I do. But I cannot help my inner voice, can I? And surely, it is not right to overeat - what was that God said about gluttony, and moderation in all that one does?

Thankfully, there are such things as anonymous blogs where I can call a spade, a spade, and a fat person, a fat person.

Just go exercise, dammit!

Thirty is Not Old

Have you ever noticed that a lot of women tend to take on an air of desperation on the dating scene once they hit 30? They moan about missed opportunities, brood over failed relationships, or they do the ultimate worst, they play out fatalistic scenarios of their lives if they don't manage to find someone *soon*. It sure is fun being around women who are in this state. Not!

Admittedly, it is easier to find a boyfriend or future life partner when one is in their twenties (as I happily did then to my chagrin today) than when one is in their thirties. So I can appreciate the urgency single women in their thirties feel to find a suitable life partner. Afterall, most women desire children, and once they hit thirty, they suddenly hear the biological clock ticking all the more acutely. But what I don't understand is the sudden acceptance now of what they could never in their twenties. It is as though entering the big 30 deems them unworthy of having any normal standards.

Case in point. One of my friends recently met a man through a matrimonial website. They corresponded for awhile, and then made plans to meet. At that meeting, the man told my friend that he had to view her without clothes so as to see if there was a "fit". He said he would not be willing to proceed with someone he was not comfortable with. This was on their FIRST meeting! Hello? Which planet did this moron come from? My friend said she felt she was being interviewed for a job, which suddenly did not seem all that attractive anymore. Luckily, she escaped that scene with her dignity intact.

But how in the world did she, an educated and decent looking woman, get into that situation in the first place? Now this horror story is just one example of many I have heard in the recent past. I have come to the conclusion that part of the reason why this happens is because women decide to believe that they are no longer worthy to demand what they desire by virtue of having aged an additional year. This attitude leaves them open to abuse by accepting the rubbish behaviour from men (who btw know all about the desperate thirty-something woman syndrome and wickedly play on it) in the hopes of finding anyone.

That is the crux of the problem - they will accept anyone. It's no longer the special somebody they are hoping for. So all the anyones come-a-rushing in. So why be surprised when you attract the wrong crowd? Who's really to blame?

My friends, can you not have a little more self-respect?

Maybe then you will get what you truly deserve.

Female Friendships

Is it harder for women to make friends with other women after they hit their thirties? One of my fellow single thirty-something girl friend claimed that this was the case. Her logic goes something like this: The likelihood of a woman in her thirties being married is higher. Therefore, it follows that the majority of thirty-something women are already married, and they would be busy juggling not only a job, but a husband, kids, and possibly parent-in-laws and various other family responsibilities. If the married thirty-something woman does go out with the gals for a night out, it would be an infrequent occurence. So where does that leave us - the cohort of single thirty-something women?

Lately, it seems as though our already small circle of friends have been diminishing. And we have found it difficult to replenish the group. I find I can only smile at someone at the gym one too many times without coming across as some nutcase stalker!

Now, don't get me wrong. I do have a boyfriend, and we do spend time together (after ten years together, I would rather spend time elsewhere, but that's a whole different story for another day!). But seriously, there is only so much I can take of him in a week. I need my women friends - gals I can shop and lose my money with, dine out and forget my diet plans with, gossip and be nasty with, and be simply ridiculous with. So when I find my gal support diminishing with friends gettting married and suddenly getting too busy to meet up as frequently, or moving away, I get a tad bit worried.

Now, I just cannot understand why the state of marriage suddenly changes everything. If I get married, I imagine I would still want to get away from the husband and the home every now and then, as I do today. Does that sound so very bad?

Jane Austen

I watched yet another documentary on PBS tonight (yes, it happens to be my favourite channel). The documentary was called "Jane Austen Regrets". It tells the tale of Austen's supposed regrets in her life. Since all of Austen's novels are about love, passion, inheritance and marriage, and Austen never married, it leaves one to wonder if the lack of a spouse was her main regret. Was she lonely, did she regret not loving, marrying and having children?

She had her only marriage proposal at age 27. She accepted, but withdrew her acceptance a day later. Why? The documentary suggests that it was due partly to her older sister, who helped her realize that marriage would effectively ruin her chances to write. The documentary suggests that she did not regret it - she viewed not having married as having the freedom to do as she had, ie, write. She also advised her niece never to marry a man she did not love for "Anything is to be preferred or endured rather than marrying without Affection".

Not that she did not know love. Apparently, when she was 21, she fell in love with a young man. They spent much time together until the young man's family intervened, and sent him away. Austen never saw the young man again. Marriage between the two was not possible anyway since neither had money.

I could not help but see parallels between the Victorian notions of love, marriage and money and present day South Asian perceptions of the same. Both are fascinated with romance, love, money and in the culmination of marriage. I would suggest one watch a typical Bollywood movie to see if I am right or not!

All ends well with a happy marriage. You won't believe how many women out there buy into this silly notion. If they do not marry, they believe that they have lost out on something immensely beautiful. And they live out the rest of their lives in bitterness, which is why we have such a negative opinion of unmarried women, even to this day and age. More so in the South Asian community.

So kudos to Austen! She has left behind a legacy no married Victorian woman ever did.

Her words live on, and so does she.