Commitment and Divorce

I wrote this piece two years ago, and dug it out recently because I was in a reflective mood after reading Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I have only just finished reading the book, so I will save my review for another time. Meanwhile, here is the piece I had written....

The rise of divorce and failed relationships in almost all developed societies today should give us pause. Are today’s couples just bad at sustaining relationships? What is different today than it was yesterday? Have you looked at your grandparents or parents marriage, and wondered why theirs have worked and yours is in dire straits?

Through the years, I have observed a trend, and I have come to a conclusion. The more traditional-minded one is, the more likely it is the marriage or relationship will last despite encountering problems. The more liberal-minded one is, the more likely it is that when the relationship encounters problems, it ends in termination of the relationship.

Of course, I am using the terms traditional and liberal in a generalized non-political fashion, and only to highlight the difference in attitudes towards relationships. On average, the trend above holds true for most people I have observed, whether they are from the West or the East.

The difference between traditional-minded and liberal-minded individuals in regards to relationships lies in their attitude towards commitment. When traditional-minded individuals enter a relationship, they do so with the intention and the vow to stay together no matter how bad their lives are going. They make a promise to remain committed to each other and help each other overcome difficulties. The fear that one or the other will bail out of the relationship does not exist, and that frees up one’s emotional resources to focus on the real issues. Tumultuous external events, like money issues, managing children or career, will not shatter their relationship. The center of their relationship is the commitment to each other.

Contrast this with the liberal-minded individuals. The center of their relationship is on clearly defined goals (earthly desires) like making money, running a business, raising successful children, or simply the pursuit of mutual happiness. When the goal is not met, or they encounter problems, the relationship suffers because their commitment was to the goal, and not to each other. And when the goal is met, they have nowhere left to go. Either they formulate a new goal, or they fall out. Even when the goal is pursuit of happiness, and when there is a period of unhappiness in their relationship, it becomes easy to end the relationship because the foundation was based on happiness and not unhappiness.

Liberal-minded people do not consciously choose to commit themselves to a goal rather than to the relationship itself. But it happens anyway because our society is geared towards achievement, and that attitude gets translated into our love lives. The liberal minded person is of the attitude that if the relationship is not helping one achieve something, then there must be something wrong with it or something wrong with the partner, and hence it must be time to move on to a better relationship, or a better partner.

This is one crucial reason why relationships of the liberal-minded often result in bitter conflict or divorce. The basic level of trust between them has been diminished by the attitude that if one is not living up to the other’s expectation (or goal), then that person is disposable. The lack of trust creates an environment that is not conducive to a healthy relationship. One or both in the relationship will be always on guard of being abandoned. The fear results in defensive behavior; at a harsh tone of voice, an angry face, or a condescending look, one shuts down emotionally, hide away or return fire in bitterness and resentment. Why is it that the people who are the closest to you say and do the things that hurt the most? What is the cost of the damage when you return fire? Are you training or conditioning your loved ones to hide from you? Compound all of such defensive behavior with lack of communication or periods of long absence from each other, it is little surprise that relationships centered on goals often fail.

So which type would you rather be?

I think it is time for people to make a conscious effort to commit to each other rather than to goals. Let us ask ourselves when our relationships began, was it a goal that us together, or was a something as simple as the joy of being together? If couples can work to commit themselves to each other, recall the simple joys, and build on trust, the goals would become only easier to achieve, and we’d be happier for it.

When We are Vulnerable to Oil Price Increases

It was not too long ago when I was paying one dollar something per gallon for gas (see picture on the left). In fact, the memory of those days are still fresh in my mind. We did not own a car then, but we rented cars frequently to make day trips out of the city. Those were the care-free days that I recall fondly like it was only yesterday, which indicates to me that it was really not too long ago. 6 years ago to be exact!

When I got my car two years ago, gas prices were around the $2 per gallon range. I commuted to work daily and did not feel the pinch. By the end of 2007, I began to notice the increase in gas prices, but I was not too worried about it. The dramatic gas price spike this year though has gotten me to modify by driving behavior. In most places, consumers are paying more than $4 per gallon today. That's double what I paid in 2006/2007. So I am driving less these days, and when I do, I try not to accelerate and brake frequently. I pump gas in the early morning, or night when gas is supposedly compact, and so you get more when you pump. Never thought I'd be such a penny pincher, but you do what you have to do.

Only thing is, I like my comfort. As so many others do. I cannot see myself walking or biking to the grocery store on a hot humid summer day. Apart from the sun damage worries, I simply do not like to sweat when I am not in the gym, or running for exercise. Besides, I do like to dress nicely and not be in sweats and sneakers all the time!

That got me thinking about what the future holds. If gas prices continue to spike, will I be forced to do the unthinkable? Which is to garage my car semi-permanently? Will the future see me trudging around on foot or bike all the time? Scary indeed. But not nearly as scary as what this crisis means for millions of people around the world who are on just on the poverty line.

Suhc people will feel real pain as long as this oil crisis lasts. A trucker who cannot make a profit when the diesel price rises 40 – 50% overnight is one who effectively becomes unemployed, and he cannot afford to feed his family. There are protests in countries as diverse as Egypt, Vietnam, Portugal, Kenya and Thailand, over oil prices and food prices, subsidy cuts, and inflation. This translates into political problems.

China just announced that it will raise prices for fuel by as much as 18 percent this Friday. The move is intended to cool the nation's surging energy consumption. Will there be local protests over this move - consumers angered by already expensive prices and shortages at the gas pump. India, the other large energy consumer, might be forced to follow suit, if it hasn't already. There is a Saudi summit being planned this weekend where Saudi energy officials have indicated some willingness to increase oil production.

Prices may come down somewhat - for instance, oil prices went down $5 immediately upon the China news.

But I somehow doubt if measures like these will have any significant effect on the supply-demand dynamic for oil worldwide, which is what this oil crisis is really all about.

What do we do about it?

Five Simple Steps to Resist Aging Fast

It is summer time, and we are all getting ready to go on a summer travel vacation either with our families, loved ones, or good friends. However, summer is also the time of the year when direct sun exposure causes long-lasting aging effects. So go ahead and plan for the summer fun, but also plan to keep yourself well because eventually we will all be are faced with the reality and inevitability of the body’s natural aging process. And we would want to age well.

Here are five simple tips that I use to help myself age well when the time comes.

Use Sun Block and Moisturize Skin

When out in the sun, use a sun block with a relatively high SPF number. In the evenings after a day in the sun, the best thing you can do to keep your body looking young is to moisturize. Use Vitamin E creams for the skin under your eyes as the skin there is more sensitive than elsewhere, and wrinkles tend to show up there when unhydrated.

Drinks Lots of Water

Our body is 70% water so drinking lots of water helps to re-hydrate the body, and cleanses the body of harmful toxins that may cause us to age. Water also hydrates the skin, giving it a fuller, softer and smoother appearance. Drink at least 8 glasses of water every day. I drink filtered, distilled, or spring water. I believe that doing so eliminatee some of the harmful chemicals that can be delivered by drinking normal tap water.

Sweat it Out

The saying "work out a sweat" is a useful reminder. Sweating while exercising actually keeps our body young. As the pores open up while we sweat, we are releasing a variety of toxins and bacterium that otherwise would normally increase the speed of the aging process. Working out also helps circulate the blood and oxygen in your body, making sure that your organs can work correctly, cells are rejuvenated and nutrients are delivered throughout. Also, a strong body is a young body, so try to exercise for at least 20 to 30 minutes every day, doing some form of aerobic workout that you enjoy.

Nutrients do a Body Good

Eating a balanced, healthy diet can slow the aging process in two ways - it will help us maintain a healthy weight and digestive system, and it’ll provide our body with the fuel it needs to fight free radicals, generate new cell growth and maintain your overall strength. Stick with lean proteins, fruits and vegetables for a diet that will help keep us young and strong for years to come. Try a number of healthy food options to find those you actually enjoy and will continue to eat over the long haul.

Don’t Stress the Younger Days Away

Stress is a key instigator of aging. The more you worry, the more those forehead lines begin to show, your hair starts to go gray and you find it a little more difficult to breathe each day. Stress will also accelerate your mental aging because it causes you to become increasingly forgetful and confused. To avoid or at least minimize stress, you should make your life more organized by planning events and leaving enough time for your day-to-day family activities. Also, focus on mental relaxation and meditation. Take the stress away and you reduce the likelihood of developing premature wrinkles.

Renaming of Chinese food for Olympics

Looks like the Chinese government is encouraging Beijing hotels to rename some of China's more strange food tems in preparation for the Olympics. It has put down more than 2,000 proposed English language translations of oddly named Chinese food items in a 170-page book, according to the state media.

Apparently, the Chinese like to name their food by focusing on its appearance rather than taste or smell. But Westerners (and I really think pretty much all other people) are more accustomed to food names that describe the ingredients and how they are cooked - like tandoori baked wild salmon .

Some examples of quirky Chinese local dishes include names such as "Husband and wife's lung slice", "Chicken without sexual life", and "Bean curd made by a pock-marked woman".

I don't know about you, but names such as the ones above do not evoke an appetizing appeal. So to those of you cry shame on the Chinese government, or speak of western hegemony, let's just get real. You are in a foreign country surrounded by foreign people speaking a foreign language.

Would you feel more comfortable ordering "Husband and wife's lung slice" or "Beef and ox tripe in chili sauce."?

Those Chinese hotel restaurants who follow the government's proposals are merely making a pragmatic decision. They'd get more orders, and more money, if their foreign visitors are more comfortable eating in their restaurants than running to Beijing's McDonalds.

Remembering Tim Russert

Today, Meet the Press remembered Tim Russert. How sad it is that today is Father's Day. Readers, pick up the phone and call your father, if you haven't already....

Breaking News: Tim Russert Is Dead at 58, His Family Says

According to The New York Times, Tim Russet, the tv journalist at NBC, has passed away from a heart attack. Russet who is best known for his hard-hitting interview style in his popular news show, Meet the Press, had placed many world leaders in a spot by asking tough questions. His contribution to journalism will sadly be missed. NBC executives will have a difficult time finding someone of Russet's calibre to replace him at the show. Those are some big shoes to fill indeed.

Beautiful Things in Orange

I am in a phase right now, where I am obessed with beautiful things in an orange color. Why this craving of all of sudden, I do notknow. Perhaps it is the impending onset of summer that has brought this on! Here's a list of items I am coveting.




Orange duvet cover at Crate and Barrel. So bright and cheery.






Orange Flowers from Trader Joes.





Cute little orange teapot





Don't you just love these vibrant orange cushions.





Orange bathroom accents!






Lovely Orange Sofa.........









I will defintely be incorporating orange into some of my home interior designing this summer!